Haven't been here in a while but things are coming down to the wire.
I am sick and in pain.
I haven't gone a day without crying in a few weeks.
I am only happy when surfing.
But after surfing, I can't move for a few days.
My back and shoulders, my neck and a good part of my chest, seems like
they are done. My lower back is the worst. At this moment, its tight, its in spasms.
I am depressed and very, very sad.
I say down to the wire because suicide is on my mind just about every day now.
Today has been especially bad.
Yesterday wasn't much better. The pain finally got to me last night, I blew up with the house.
See, Stella and Crystal leave messes every where. Neither one ever puts any thing away. I stepped on a pencil near the table and that was the trigger. I blew up. I was so mad. I yelled at Stella for leaving shit every where. I scared her I am sure and that made things even sadder for me. I love that little girl. I HATE when I get so upset and take it out on her. But both of them are slobs. I mean they never put anything back. The dining room table becomes a pile of papers, pens, crayons, calculators, hairpins, phones, knick knacks, just piles of shit to where you can't see the table nor use it for anything.
The bedroom is the same way. Any flat surface collects the shit these two leave every where. And no matter what I say, it never changes. Just a clean house for a few days and then suddenly, shit every where again.
But enough, its just too much for me to deal with when I can barely move.
I can surf if I eat right and slam some strong coffee, smoke a gram of weed, take two pain pills an hour before I plan to surf. And then I am good for two hours or so before the spasms come back and then I can barely make it home. I play it off, just act sore but the truth is, I can barely move sometimes.
So all of this has me here, crying, trying to find something to pull me through this funk. But when it hurts to move, what can you do? Everything requires moving. And I can't move.
I have so much I want to do but even getting outside has become a ritual. Coffee, a pain pill at the right time with the right food. The hot tub doesn't help any more so I turned it off.
I can't even type this any more, it hurts to move my arms and my neck.
Look at who I was and the shell that I am.